🥇 The 34 funniest old jokes!

Good joke has no age. What made the crowd crack their beak decades ago may well be successful today. That's why we've selected the funniest old anecdotes for you to laugh a lot and tell your friends. Let's have fun?

1. The disappearance of her husband

- Your deputy, my husband left the house earlier today to buy rice for lunch and he hasn't returned yet. What do I do?
- I don't know, make pasta.

2. The trampling

A biker was traveling at 140 km/h on a road when he suddenly ran over a bird. In the rearview mirror, the guy saw the little animal doing several pirouettes until it was stretched out on the asphalt.
Not containing the remorse, he stopped the motorcycle and went back to help the little animal. The little bird was there almost dead. The motorcyclist was so distressed that he picked up the bird and took it to the vet. There the bird was treated and medicated, and the vet said there was a chance it would survive. The man bought a cage and took the bird home, taking care to leave a little bread and water for the victim.
The next day, the little bird regains consciousness. Upon awakening, finding itself trapped, surrounded by bars, with the piece of bread and the bowl of water in the corner, the animal puts its wings on its head and screams:
- I don't believe! I killed the biker!

3. Accident at work

An employee of a company had an accident at work and had to have his arm in a cast. When it was time to leave the office, he asked the company doctor:
- Is it very serious, doctor?
- It's not serious, no. Keep calm.
- Will I be able to play the piano?
- Clear! In a month or two.
- Cool! I had never played the piano in my life!

4. Joãozinho at school

Joãozinho arrives late for school. When he enters the classroom, the teacher says:
- Late again, Joãozinho?
- Hey, teacher! Aren't you the lady who says it's never too late to learn?

5. Joãozinho at school II

The teacher says:
- If you think you're stupid, stand up.
Johnny gets up.
- Do you think you're stupid, Joãozinho?
- No, but I was sorry to see you standing alone.

6. Joãozinho in the bakery

Joãozinho arrives at the bakery and asks:
- Young man, do you have bread?
The baker replies:
- There's only stale bread.
- Oh, so wake up five for me.

7. The devoted Joãozinho

The mother was surprised when she saw Joãozinho kneeling beside the bed, with little hands folded and everything. She was praying! It could only be a miracle!
- What are you doing, my son?
- Praying, Mom.
- Yes, I can see that. But why are you praying?
- So that the Amazon River goes to Minas Gerais.
- But why?
- Because that's what I wrote on the test today.

8. Joãozinho in the catechism

In catechism class, the priest asks the children:
- Who here wants to go to heaven?
They all raise their hands, except Joãozinho.
- Don't you want to go to heaven, Joãozinho?
- It's just that my mother asked me to go straight home after class.

9. Old friends

Whenever a man entered the bar, he would order two beers, with the requirement that they be served at the same time.
One day, the waiter decided to ask the customer why he always ordered two beers. After all, wouldn't it be better to order one at a time?
- One is for me. The other is in honor of a great friend who lives far away from here.
One day the man walks into the bar with his head down and asks for just one beer. The waiter found the order strange and asked if he had fought with his friend.
- No it's not that. It's just that I stopped drinking.

10. Bat Contest

In a bat contest, they were having a dispute to see who was the best bloodsucker. The first one arrives with a mouth full of blood and says:
- See that dead chicken over there? It was me.
The second arrives with a belly so full, but so full of blood, that he almost couldn't fly. He says:
- See that dead cow over there? It was me.
The third arrives with blood from head to toe, completely bloodied. People look at him and say: “He's already won, he's already won”. Then he says:
- See that wall over there? I have not seen it…

11. The height of rebellion

Do you know what the height of rebellion is?
Live alone and run away from home.

12. At the psychiatric office

- Doctor, I have a problem. I can't remember anything they say to me after a minute, just a minute, Doctor.
- And how long ago did this problem appear?
- How long ago what appeared, doctor?

13. Dialogue of ducks

What did the duck say to the duck?
Vem too!

14. Breakup

Why did the chemical engineer break up?
Because there was no chemistry anymore, it was a purely physical relationship.

15. Breakup II

Why did the telecommunications engineer break up?
Because she didn't care about him anymore.

16. At the bakery

- How much is the coffee?
- Two reais.
- And the sugar?
- We don't charge for sugar.
- Then give me a kilo, please.

17. The Invisible Man

The nurse tells the doctor:
- Doctor, there is an invisible man in the waiting room.
The doctor answers:
- Tell him I can't see him right now.

18. Capital punishment

The condemned man was waiting for the execution time, when the priest arrived:
- My son, I came to bring you the word of God.
- Waste of time, Father. I'm going to talk to Him in a little while. Want to send a message?

19. The death of the donkey

A donkey died right in front of the town church. Two days later, the priest went to the mayor to ask when the donkey's body would be removed.
- Mr. Mayor, it's been two days since a donkey died in front of the church and no one has taken any action.
The priest and the mayor were former adversaries. Therefore, the mayor gave a sarcastic response to the priest:
- Well, isn't it you who has the obligation to take care of the dead?
- I am myself - replied the priest -, but it is also my duty to notify the relatives.

20. The sincere boy

In order not to have to pay for the ticket, the older brother said to the younger brother:
- When the driver asks how old you are, you say you are six.
"Okay," replied the younger brother.
- So, how old are you?
- Seven.
The older brother scolded the younger brother.
- If you say you have seven, we'll have to pay for the ticket! Let's try again. How old are you?
- Six.
- Very good!
Inside the bus, the conductor asked the boy:
- How old are you?
"Six," he replied.
- And when are you going to turn seven?
- When I get off the bus.

21. The fishing

The mother, seeing her 10-year-old daughter come back from fishing with her father, with her face all swollen, is very scared:
- My daughter, what happened?
- It was a wasp, mom...
- Did he bite you?
- There was no time... Dad killed him with the paddle!

22. The flying turtle

The little turtle slowly climbs a tree. After a lot of effort, he manages to reach the top. She then jumps, with her front and hind legs outstretched and flapping in the air. As it couldn't be otherwise, she crashes to the ground.
After regaining consciousness, the little turtle climbs the tree again. Finally it reaches the top, rests a bit and jumps again, squashing once more.
A couple of birds on a higher branch observe this distressing spectacle from the beginning. Unable to take it any longer, the female tells the male:
- Honey, don't you think it's time to tell our little turtle that she's adopted?

23. The Elephant and the Ants

An elephant was covered in ants. Desperate, he rolled on the ground, entered the lake and managed to get rid of them all. In fact, almost all. He had one left on his neck. All the other ants that were on the ground started screaming:
- Go, wring his neck!

24. The Ferrari and the bicycle

The guy had just bought a Ferrari and was dying to show off with his new car. On the city's main avenue, he put his foot on the accelerator. Then a cyclist overtook him.
Surprised, the driver pressed the accelerator again. But again the cyclist overtook him.
Irritated, the driver accelerated even more, reaching 120 km per hour. But, to his surprise, the cyclist again overtook him. The driver stepped even deeper, reaching an incredible 140 km/h. But do you believe that the cyclist once again overtook him?
Not knowing what else to do, and curious to know how that cyclist managed to run so fast, the driver stopped on the side of the road. The cyclist passed him, then came back, then passed again, came back again… Until, finally, the cyclist stopped beside the Ferrari.
- Ufa! I'm glad you stopped the car. My suspenders got caught in your rearview mirror.

25. The dear and missed Pedrão

When dear Pedrão, the restaurant's most popular waiter, died, his colleagues and several customers sought a medium to speak with the late departed friend.
When everyone was around the table, the medium said:
- To call Pedrão, everyone must wave their hand, just like the customers did when they wanted Pedrão to come and serve them.
Everyone waved at the same time with their hand, but Pedrão did not appear.
They did it again, and nothing. This time, with both hands, and nothing. They called by name. Nothing from Pedro. Only after everyone screamed did Pedrão appear.
- What happened, Pedro? - asked one of those present at the session. - What took you so long?
- That wasn't my table.

26. Doctor's advice

In the office, the doctor tells the patient:
- As I already told you: taking a deep breath kills microbes.
- And how am I going to teach microbes to take a deep breath?

27. The three partners

Three partners shared the same office on the 60th floor of a building. One day, when they entered the building, the power went out. As they had unavoidable commitments, there was no other solution but to climb the 60 floors by stairs.
- I have an idea! - said one of them. - I'm good at jokes. I can tell jokes on the first twenty floors. You - he pointed to one of his partners - love to read adventure books. You can tell us some story over the next 20 floors. And you - he pointed to the third partner - love sad stories. How about telling us some sad story to entertain us on the last 20 floors?
Everyone agreed and started to climb. For the first 20 floors, everyone had fun with the jokes and didn't even notice when they reached the 20th floor. Up to the 40th floor, everyone was entertained with an incredible story of action and adventure. When they reached the 40th floor, the partner who was going to tell a sad story said:
- I have a very sad story to tell. But very sad indeed. You cannot even imagine the size of the disgrace.
- Tell me - said one of the partners.
- We forgot the keys at the reception.